Untitled (Teaser)
by Angel of Illusion
Summary: A (hopefully) humorous fanfic addressing the many tweaks of 'Zelda: Ocarina of Time' -- for example, an obvious one would be, "Why can Epona jump over a 12-foot wall (Lon Lon Ranch), but refuse to jump over a dinky little fence that's practically falling


Body Leaning against a wobbly tree, Link slouched with boredom and peered out into the horizon. The blazing sun wildly spun behind Death Peak at approximately 250 mph, framing the mountain with a golden light briefly before drilling itself through the earth. Link sighed contentedly, easing himself from the pitiful tree and stretching with a yawn. He took a few carefree paces until a brilliant, triangular, marigold comet hit him smack dab in the face, blinking violently. 

"GAHHH!" Link yelled in evident agony, collapsing to his knees in a shuddering heap. Clutching his head within his gauntlet-covered hands, wishing for death. 

"HEY!" Navi's voice blasted in Link's ears at a decibel that should have made his ears bleed. "Hey, stop, listen, look–" In one graceful movement, Link ripped his hook shot from his belt and took aim at the fluttering fairy. The rust on the spear head gave off a dull twinkle. Navi glanced at the blood caked around the base of the chain, unable to put two and two together. 

"Hey! I thought I taught you how to use that damn thing at Darryl's grave!" Navi whined in her nagging squeals. 

After a moment of thought, she pondered aloud, "Or was it Daniel's...?" Link let out an exasperated sigh, holstering the hook shot. He gestured for her to speak, his face bitter with annoyance. 

"How do you figure the chickens can sense when others of their population are being attacked? I think one of them has custody of the brain," she reasoned. Link slowly swiveled his head towards Navi, face twisted into a scowl. 

"You dare disrespect me?!" Navi hollered authoritatively, curling her delicate fingers into a fist. When Link registered no apparent fear, she shook her fist wrathfully so that her colorful bracelets jangled on her wrist. 

"Damn the Deku Tree," Link murmured through his teeth, not letting his sneer falter."'Damn?!'" Navi sputtered with disbelief. "Praise! Praise him! He should've let you die, just like your mother!" 

"I wonder if fairies bleed," Link snapped, his hand shooting out to grasp the fairy faster than his hook shot would have. Navi was quickly captured within Link's clammy hand. 

"Fairies are immortal! Blood is impractical," Navi replied with a shaky facade of confidence. 

"'Fairies are immortal,'" Link mocked, using a flaky voice, "said the fairy whose skeletal structure was being crumbled into dust... HAH!" Link grinned fiercely, leveling his demonic glazed eyes with Navi's. She struggled to free herself, grunting with effort. 

Navi thrashed her limbs in attempted escape, inadvertently tickling her captor. Link giggled lightly until he roared, "Such blatant IDIOCY!" He tightened his grip gradually, adrenaline zooming faster than a snail on weed through his body. 

"You can get away with giving me seizures every ten minutes, but I won't let you taunt me," Link continued, cackling fiendishly. Remembering the offensive quote about his mother, his fingers spasmed to hasten Navi's inevitable doom. Soft popping noises emitted from under Link's hand. Before he had time to regret his unforgivable act, a pseudo-inferno suddenly raged in his palm. Link yelped with surprise, dropping the twisted cadaver of the fairy onto the unkempt weeds of Hyrule Field. Rays of silver moonlight shone upon Navi's deformed corpse, and after an impressive travel-size fireworks display, Navi's structure was completely rebuilt. She shuddered in the frigid air of the night until a healthy bluish aura surrounded her, after which her trembling ceased. 

The fairy rose and yawned warily, inquiring lightly, "So, what's shakin'?" 

"Sweet Nayru," Link breathed, his eyes as wide as cantaloupes. 

Navi blinked the sleepy haze from her eyes, stammering, "Huh? What? What's the matter, Hero of Time?" Seeing this as a divine opportunity to escape Navi's fury, Link illuminated his face with a beaming, hollow smile. 

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Dripping with nothingness!" Link rushed, offering his hands in an innocent gesture. Navi's eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement. After a moment of Navi's piercing stare and Link's sickeningly sweet expression of fake bliss, she dived under the protection of the Mirror Shield with no further commentary. Link let his face relax, rolling his eyes and pulling the back of his palm across his forehead. He lifted the Fairy Ocarina from a pouch dangling from his belt, placing the instrument to his lips. _Epona's Song_ blared throughout the vast countryside, plunging into the hills and echoing off the canyon sides. The thunderous galloping of Epona's hooves followed by rising clouds of dust were merely a prelude to the horse's entry. Link squinted in the darkness, making out the shape of a quickly approaching horse just past Lon Lon Ranch. Tapping the toe of his boot against the ground to rid nonexistent clumps of mud from his footwear, Link waited patiently for Epona to arrive. Suddenly, the dead silence of the dank midnight returned, and a subdued gnawing replaced it. 

"Huh?" Link muttered disappointedly. 

The silhouetted horse could be seen gnashing at a dilapidated fence rail, whinnying and trotting in place. Link gaped blankly as Epona threw her chestnut-colored body into the fence several times, causing the wood to weaken and snap in places. 

"Uh," Link uttered in embarrassment, "Epona, uh, horse..." Seeing that ramming herself into the fence wasn't improving the situation, Epona surveyed the field. Her vacant eyes swept over a large gap in the fence that a poe had probably collided into, oblivious to the fact that walking through the gap would eventually lead her to her master. When she came up with no other solution, she flapped her lips and meandered away. 

"E, EPONA!" Link shrilled, cupping his hands around his mouth to amplify the sound. 

Meanwhile, Epona came across another fence. Her eyes bulged in disgust. She backed up slowly, staring at the fence like a demon possessed, then immediately proceeded to gallop towards the fence in a blur of color. Epona continued to speed towards the hapless fence, foam dripping from her mouth in a collective cloud. 

"EEPOONNAA!!!" Link hollered, horrorstricken. His means of transportation was walking hand in hand with Old Man Death! He shoved the ocarina to his lips again, whistling a shuddery version of _Epona's Song_. The crazed horse winced and rotated its satellite dish ears back towards Link, gradually slowing. Link played the tune intensely, sweat beading on his forehead. As if on a pottery wheel, Epona spun, once again galloping towards Link. Relieved, Link paced up to the gap in the fence to meet his horse. Finally, she trotted up to her master, bearing her side towards him so he could step up with ease. Link rested his trembling hand on the horse, leaning into it, head tilted towards the earth. 

"You finally came back," he sighed, his fingernails digging into the horse's flesh. "AFTER I FRIGGIN' SAVED YOUR LIFE! IDIOT HORSE!" Teeth clenched fiercely, Link kicked the horse in the gut. Epona neighed in protest, sidestepping away from the sane-lacking teenager. 

(More to come, perhaps, if enough reviews are received. ^^;; Hint hint.) 


End file.
